Ben & Jerry's has New Radioactive Iranian Ice Cream to Support Deal
"Wow, these people, they're like Republicans, and like man like they want to get us into a war"
August 22, 2015
Eccentric billionaires Ben and Jerry, the co-founders of Ben
& Jerry's Ice Cream, have announced that they intend to support the
Iran nuclear deal with a new ice cream flavor; Iranium.
The exact recipe of Iranium is a trade secret, but taste tests show it's only slightly more likely to poison you than the regular flavors of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream like, Fudge and Bits from a Hippie's Beard and Recycled Taco Bell Sauce with Frozen Pomegranates and Dead Rat.
Having run out of Grateful Dead puns involving congealed batter colored to look like cherries, Iranium is Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield's attempt to recapture the spirit of their activism. Previous efforts such as Chocolate Lives Matter and Planned Parenthood Fetal Parts with Pistachios were deemed racist and in violation of health code regulations. But Iranium, which is only slightly radioactive, promises to be a hit with people who, like Ben and Jerry, have no concept of hygiene, food safety and right and wrong.
"Wow, these people, they're like Republicans, and like man like
they want to get us into a war with Iran," the official press release
said. "It'll be like Vietnam all over again. So what if Iran gets nukes?
Nukes are only bad when Americans have them. Iran never harmed us. If
we just leave them alone, they probably won't nuke Vermont. Maybe they
can nuke some place with Republicans."
The Iranium flavor was developed in cooperation with leading Iranian food technicians and nuclear scientists and reportedly contains actual enriched Uranium stockpiled at the Parchin complex for weapons testing, which under the deal will only be inspected by Iran itself.
Both sides reportedly profited from the exchange of ideas. Ben and Jerry's food technicians have learned how to make something even more inedible than their usual ice cream flavors and Iran's WMD program will be abandoning its biological weapons research and replacing its stockpiles with old John Lemon and Orange Star unsold gelatin cases.
The exact recipe of Iranium is a trade secret, but taste tests show it's only slightly more likely to poison you than the regular flavors of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream like, Fudge and Bits from a Hippie's Beard and Recycled Taco Bell Sauce with Frozen Pomegranates and Dead Rat.
Having run out of Grateful Dead puns involving congealed batter colored to look like cherries, Iranium is Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield's attempt to recapture the spirit of their activism. Previous efforts such as Chocolate Lives Matter and Planned Parenthood Fetal Parts with Pistachios were deemed racist and in violation of health code regulations. But Iranium, which is only slightly radioactive, promises to be a hit with people who, like Ben and Jerry, have no concept of hygiene, food safety and right and wrong.
The Iranium flavor was developed in cooperation with leading Iranian food technicians and nuclear scientists and reportedly contains actual enriched Uranium stockpiled at the Parchin complex for weapons testing, which under the deal will only be inspected by Iran itself.
Both sides reportedly profited from the exchange of ideas. Ben and Jerry's food technicians have learned how to make something even more inedible than their usual ice cream flavors and Iran's WMD program will be abandoning its biological weapons research and replacing its stockpiles with old John Lemon and Orange Star unsold gelatin cases.
About Daniel Greenfield
Daniel Greenfield, a Shillman Journalism Fellow at the Freedom Center, is a New York writer focusing on radical Islam.Read More
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